This is a foul and disgusting story. Seriously folks, I can't take responsibility for upchucking that may result from reading this. If you're pregnant, under the age of 13, or if you have a serious heart condition, please read with caution.

As of now, June 2006, I rent out the finished attic from an older lady - just for a few months during the summer while I work as an intern at a large pharmaceutical company. My room is quite nice, except for one teensy problem...

I live with swarms of spiders.

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not actually afraid of spiders; in fact I've pretty much gotten used them. I don't bother them, and they don't bother me (too often). Usually the spiders will come out for a few minutes, then go back and hide in a crack somewhere.

Well, one night I happened to be working late on my computer, trying to configure my new router. I was having technical issues, so I began doing my regular pattern of going to bed, then laying awake thinking about it, then working on it some more, then trying to go to bed, etc. Since my computer is right by my bed, I pretty much had only the light of my monitor and no other lights on in the room.

So let's recap:

I would also like to point out that I had the air conditioner running, so there was a nice breeze going. Now have you ever sat there and gotten little creepy-crawlies from a breeze? Well I was getting dozens of these - especially since I was only wearing shorts at the time.

Not actual spider.So there I was, hunched over, focused on my stupid router, getting creepy-crawlies up my legs. Some of the crawlies seemed to be moving, but I passed it off as late-night paranoia. Then it all happened. As I shifted my weight in the chair, I felt a sudden movement on my leg (and by "leg" I mean "inner thigh").

That breeze was no breeze! Sure enough, a spider had found its way into my shorts! At that moment I did what any other human being would instinctively do in such a situation: I clenched.

Upon clenching, I felt something that I was not expecting: a crunch. That's right, a crunch. I never thought I'd actually use the words "clench" and "crunch" in the same sentence, but then again neither did the spider. Eyes wide, adrenaline pumping, and paranoia abounding, I flicked on the nearest light, did a little jiggle in the middle of the room, and out came the slain arachnid. I guess the little guy found its way into the wrong crack this time!

Written June 13, 2006

Page last updated: February 04, 2008